A Series of My One Shots
by Adidasgrl328
Summary: A couple of one shots that are pretty funny. Best way to clear out writer's block and have some fun...Some are co-authored by sillyemmett.
1. Explanation

WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT…

**WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT…**

Hey everybody. I had a small tinsy winsy bit of writer's block. (I know, shocking!)

This was my solution. I came up with it a while ago and listed some one shots that I may want to write to get rid of my writer's block.

Thus, where this came out of.

It's a series of different one shots that our pretty much just funny.

It takes place after Bella is changed, but doesn't have anything to do with my other FanFictions.

It's got a couple of different series within it. Everything can be classified into one of these categories, or a mix of them:

1. Prank Wars

2. Karaoke Night

3. The Werewolves and The Cullens Do Something

4. Revenge

5. Sports

6. AIM Conversations

7. Random Idea that I thought was funny


	2. Rosalie and The Football Team

Rosalie & The Football Team

Categories: Revenge & Sports

**BELLA'S POV**

I sat down in my lunch seat next to Edward in the cafeteria. We were half a month into the school year at our new school and all of us Cullen children were sitting here at the table. The six of us set our lunch trays and food (aka our 'props') onto the sticky, orange-brown table in front of. It was a round table and so we were seated in a circle in variously colored chairs. Edward, as I'd already stated, was on my right, and Alice was on my left. Next to Alice was Jasper, next to Jasper was Emmett, next to Emmett was Rose, and next to Rose was Edward, thus completing our Cullen circle.

"I can't believe you actually liked to eat that stuff, Bella!" Emmett shouted, though no one else in the cafeteria could hear.

"Neither can I," I said, lifting the greasy bread covered in mustard off of my ham and cheese sandwich.

"Is it still alive?" Jasper asked, a worried expression on his face as he poked his Meatloaf Surprise with a plastic fork.

"What could have possibly possessed you to buy," Rosalie began. She made a gagging sound and then said, "_That_?" She shivered to emphasize her point.

"Coach told Jasper that he had to eat the meatloaf from now on if he wanted to play first string," Emmett said. "He says Jasper needs to bulk up."

Alice giggled as I put my hand over my mouth to stifle a laugh. Rosalie was smiling and Edward was shaking his head back and forth trying to hide his amusement. Emmett put his arms up at shoulder height and bent them at a 90 degree angle so that his muscles bulged. Then he kissed the muscle on his right arm, then the one on his left. "I'm already playin' first string thanks to these babies," he said.

Rosalie rolled her eyes. "Those _babies_ are the _only _reason you're playing first string. I mean, it's not like you need any skill to play. All you need is some muscle and to weigh at least 200 pounds."

"Hey, maybe you should play Rose! You meet both criteria!" Emmett said.

_Shit!_

We all knew that Emmett meant it as a joke, but this guy clearly did not know when to keep his mouth shut. Telling Rose she weighed over 200 pounds! Idiot!

Rosalie clenched her fists around the can of Snapple Iced Tea that she'd bought for 'lunch'. The can exploded within her grasp on her lunch tray and it sprayed all over her and Emmett. She was fuming and if she still had any blood inside her, it would have turned her face bright red in fury.

Rose stood up from the table, kicking her chair back a few twenty or thirty feet, took lunch tray to the garbage and dumped it, stormed out of the cafeteria, and went straight for the bathroom.

Before she'd fully gotten out into the hallway, though, we all heard her mumble, "We'll see who plays football."

* * *

Alice and I got into her Porsche after cheer practice and drove home as quickly as possible. Rosalie hadn't shown up for practice, nor to any of the classes after lunch, and that was completely unlike her. She never missed a game, (A/N: Which is possible because in this school, football games are played at night after sunset. Why? Because the coaches think it's easier to keep kids from dehydrating when played at night as opposed to afternoons in the strong sun. Not a real school btw.) and she'd never miss a practice. She was cheer captain, which meant that when she missed, her right hand girl, Alice, had to lead practice. Alice was thrilled, but we were both distracted by the fact that Rose was missing.

We walked in the door of the house and found Emmett, Jasper, and Rose having a staring contest. By the looks of things, it didn't look all that great.

"Where the hell were you?!" Alice and I shouted at Rose, breaking her glowering.

"Making a few arrangements," she replied as if she'd done nothing wrong by screwing us over.

"Oh, okay then," I said sarcastically.

"Don't worry. You'll see what about soon enough," she said in a sing-songy voice. She hopped up from her arm chair and pranced upstairs, a cheery bounce in her step.

I turned to Alice who had a smile on her face. "What?" I asked.

"Oh, this is gonna be good," she replied. "Come on, Bella. You, me, and Rose have a new cheer to work on up in her room."

Alice began climbing up the steps when Edward came sliding down the banister. I looked to him. "Go on, Love. You wouldn't want to keep Rosalie waiting." He had the same smile on his face as Alice. I shrugged and followed her upstairs to Rosalie's bedroom.

"Nothing in the world could possibly make me give away _this _secret," I heard Edward say downstairs after Emmett asked him "What the hell is the grin for?"

* * *

"You sure?" I asked Alice as we stood on the sidelines of the football field in our cheer uniforms.

Alice had seen this in her vision yesterday after we got home from our practice without Rosalie. The arrangements that she'd had to make were to set all this up. She taught us the new cheers she wanted us to do and we taught it to the squad today during lunch. We did as she asked and got the entire student body here at the field to watch.

"Positive. Everyone is going to LOVE it."

Alice handed me the megaphone and I held up to my mouth so I could speak into. Alice clapped her hands three times, which was the signal for our squad to get into position, and every stood in formation. Our all girl squad began clapping their hands and the stands got quiet.

"HEY THERE CLINTON SENIOR HIGH SCHOOOOOOOL!" I shouted into the megaphone.

Cheers erupted from the stands and the girls began waved their pompoms in the air above their heads.

"ARE YOU GUYS READYYYYYYYYYYY?!"

Cheers again were flying from the stands, but louder this time.

"THEN LET'S GET THIS SHOW ROCKIIIIIIIIING!"

"Ready?" Alice said to our team.

"Okay!" we all responded in unison.

"It's hot, it's hot, it's hot out here!  
There's a challenge in the atmosphere!  
Boys are boys and girls are girls!  
Mud and dirt or Smiles and pearls!  
Boys will play and roll and fight!  
Girls will joke and talk all night!  
But when a girl's dissed by a guy,  
He'd better watch 'cause that won't fly!  
So Emmett standin' out on that grass,  
Rose is gonna kick your- SHHHHHHHHH!"

We did jumps and cartwheels and all sorts of moves as we chanted. When the 'shhhhh' part came we all froze, bent at the waist, and put our index fingers to our lips.

The crowd in the stands erupted into cheers as the entire football team, all in their uniforms, helmets, and pads, rushed out of the locker rooms and onto the field.

I picked up the megaphone again and shouted into it. "AND NOW, CLINTON SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL FANS, THE MOMENT THAT EVERY ONE OF YOU HAS BEEN PATIENTLY WAITING FOR…"

Rosalie came out onto the field from the locker room usually reserved for visiting teams. She looked amazing in her uniform. She was wearing exactly what all the football team was wearing, but she looked a lot better in it. Nobody could tell it was her because her face was hidden behind a tinted shield over the front of her helmet, which is usually used just for extra protection.

"LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!"

Emmett had no idea what was about to happen. He hadn't heard our squad's cheer and he couldn't see Rose either. He was too focused to really catch onto his scent. He was actually laughing hysterically, thinking that there was no possible way that this one person could take anyone down, or so I assumed.

Alice blew the whistle that she was holding in her hand and everyone out on the field got into position. 11 on 1. That seemed unfair to everyone, except for Alice, Edward, Rose and I. It didn't seem unfair at all to us. This was more like "How long does it take Emmett and Jasper to get what's going on?"

"Jasper knows. He's going to be helping Rose out," Alice whispered in my ear, answering half my question as if she'd read my mind.

I nodded.

Alice blew the whistle again and Emmett, being the quarter back, was given the ball. He backed up five steps to get a better view of who to throw to, but the second he turned to one of the guys on his team, they were on the ground having been tackled by Rose. Jasper laid down behind Emmett and Emmett tripped backwards over his brother.

The entire crowd was laughing and the only one still standing was Rose. The ball had slipped from Emmett's hands when he fell and was now fifteen feet away from him. Rose broke into a humanly-correct sprint, picked up the ball, and ran into the end zone.

Emmett stood up off the ground, rubbing his head in confusion.

"Be careful who you mess with,  
Cuz you just might get it,  
You just might get it,  
You just might get it.

I see them staring at me.  
Oh I'm a trendsetter.  
Yes this is true 'cause what I do,  
No one can do it better.  
You can talk about me,  
'Cause I'm a hot topic.  
I see you watching me,  
Watching me,  
And I know you want it."

(A/N: These are the lyrics from the Pussy Cat Dolls' song "When I Grow Up" and you'll see why I used this in a minute when I use other parts of the lyrics for their cheers. Note though that I said "be careful who you mess with" but it's actually "be careful what you wish for" in the real song.)

Our squad began cheering as Emmett set up for the snap again. Rose stood in her correct position and Alice blew the whistle. The same thing happened as last time, but this time instead of Jasper lying down behind Emmett to trip him, Rose went in for the sack. She took Emmett out in one swift movement. He fell to the ground, his eyes wide in shock.

Rose sat up, straddling his hips, and took off her helmet. She shook her hair out and it fell beautifully and gracefully down over her shoulders.

"Boys call you sexy,  
And you don't care what they say.  
See, every time you turn around  
They're screamin' your name.  
Rosalie…the football queen.  
Number one chick when she steps out on the scene.  
So Emmett,  
Look who gets it.  
Now it's time to quit your sass  
Cuz Rose just totally KICKED YOUR ASS!"

We finished our cheer with Alice and I doing a few insane tosses with our bases and the rest of the team turning to Emmett so that their butts faced the crowd and smacking their asses on that exact words.

Rose hopped off of Emmett, ran over to us, stripped off her football uniform because underneath was her cheer uniform. Rose, Alice, and I then got into our favorite formation. Our bases set us up perfectly. We were being held up into the air, feet apart on the hands of our bases, well Alice and I were, and inside hands up in the air. On our inside hands were Rosalie's feet and we held her up in the air. She had the megaphone her hands.

"READY?"

"OKAY!"

"Hey, hey, are ya ready? Are ya ready to  
Strut…  
Your…  
Stuff?  
Hey hey, are ya ready? Are ya ready to  
Get…  
Fired…  
Up?!

This girl is what?  
DYNAMITE!  
This girl is what?  
DYNAMITE!  
This girl is tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick,  
BOOM DYNAMITE!

Emmett is what?  
DYNAMITE!  
Emmett is what?  
DYNAMITE!  
Emmett is tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick,  
BOOM, YEAH RIGHT!  
So hold up, wait a minute,  
You ain't got no boom in it!  
Go Rose Go!

Brick wall, water fall,  
Boy you think you got it all,  
But you don't! I do!  
So BOOM with that attitude!  
Peace, Punchy, Captain Crunch,  
I got something you can't touch!  
Bang bang, choo choo train,  
You wind me up I do my thang!  
No reeses pieces, 7 up,  
You mess with me I'll mess you up!  
I know karate, I know kung fu.  
If you make a move I'll have to use it on you!  
So, Elbow elbow, wrist wrist,  
Back off boy you just got dissed!  
Wait, come back, you need a tic tac.  
Not one, not two, but the whole 6 pack!  
Don't mean to be mean  
But you need some Listerine!  
Not a sip, not a swallow,  
But the whole DANG bottle!  
So hug hug, kiss kiss,  
Once again you just got dissed!"

Rose flipped off our hands and landed on her feet in front of us. Alice and I flipped off our bases and got on one knee beside her. She held one hand on her hip and in her other hand now held the football that they were playing with. She held the football above her head and Alice and I held our hands on our hips with our pompoms pressed against our sides.

"GOOOOOO ROOOOOOOOSE!" our squad shouted to finis our string of cheers.

Emmett was making his way back into the locker room.

"Damn cheerleader wife. Be careful who you mess with Rose, because you know that you're gonna get it," Emmett muttered under his breath off in the distance in the door of the locker room.

Rose, Alice, and I were smiling and though our mouths and bodies didn't move, we were laughing hysterically, barely managing to remain in our final poses.


	3. Lasagna and Cullens Don't Mix

**Lasagna and Cullens Don't Mix**

_By sillyemmett and Adidasgrl328_

**BPOV**

Edward and I were lying on his bed, resting together. It was a few days until the wedding, and then our honeymoon, and then… my renovations and we were spending time with each other before we were split apart for a whole day. Alice had promised me that much.

Just when I was starting to drift off, Edward's door flew open and someone jumped onto our bed, hopping up and down. My eyes popped open and they landed on the pixie standing two inches from me and doing little flips in the air with each bounce. Edward and I groaned simultaneously and her tinkling laughter filled the room.

"I had a vision!" Alice fell to her bottom on the bed, and although it should have looked awkward and she should have bounced off the mattress, it was probably one of the nicest moves I had seen.

"No. Absolutely not. Get out of here, Alice. She's not a project," Edward growled, pulling me closer to him and encasing me tighter in his arms.

"Awww, but she's going to be hungry in 5-4-3-2-1!" My stomach rumbled at the end of the mini vampire's countdown and I sighed, looking up into Edward's hazel eyes.

He took one hand from around me and pinched the bridge of his nose. When he spoke, it was a forced softness. "Bella, Alice would like to know if you'd like for our family to make you dinner."

I turned to Alice, who was smiling like a Cheshire cat. I giggled at the analogy. The Cheshire cat came from Alice in Wonderland…

"Umm, Alice… You do realize that you guys don't eat food, right?" I sat up, as did Edward. He pulled me into his lap and rested his chin on my shoulder, nodding his head at my statement.

Alice sighed and pointed at her eyes. "I can see the future, Bella. I can tell if what we add to the food will make it taste bad or good. Besides, Emmett used to be a pretty decent cook."

I turned back to Edward. "Well? What do you think?"

He sighed and kissed my cheek. "If you're willing to be a guinea pig, love."

At that, I was snatched from his arms. Suddenly, I was flying down the stairs and in the kitchen. Alice set me down and called out, "Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie!" Edward was standing next to me before Alice even finished speaking, Jasper right behind him. Emmett and Rosalie took about half a minute before they breezed in.

"Yes? We were busy," Rosalie was buttoning up her dark blue button up shirt.

Emmett grinned like an idiot. "You know, having sex."

I blushed and Edward shook his head. "You're a moron, Emmett."

Emmett smiled wider and double pistol-winked at his younger brother. "But I'm not sexually repressed."

Edward growled and Emmett ran out of the kitchen, my fiancé right on his heels. Everyone shrugged and turned back to Alice. "Anyway, we're all making dinner for Bella!"

Rosalie rolled her eyes and Jasper quirked an eyebrow. "Alice, darling, we don't cook. We don't know how to cook."

Alice was breezing around the kitchen, pulling things out of the fridge and cabinets. Before I knew it, there was a parade of food on the counter. The Hurricane stopped next to me. "Huh. We're missing bread and pasta." She grabbed onto Jasper and started pulling him out the door. "Bella, Rosalie, start cutting up the vegetables. We'll be right back!" When I blinked, they were gone.

I turned to Rosalie, who was looking at me with distaste written all over her face. "Yes, let's cut the vegetables, because they look real appetizing." She picked up a tomato and examined it, bouncing it up and down in her hand. When it hit her palm for the fourth time, her eyes flickered to me and a smile crept onto her full, red lips. A terrifying smile. "Bella, let's cut vegetables." She handed me the tomato and stepped over to the knife stand. She pulled one of the long, sharp, silver knives out and threw it up into the air. She caught it with the blade into her palm, no doubt denting the metal a little, and held it out to me. "Be my guest. I'll watch and make sure I know how to do it."

I nodded my head, gulping nervously. I took the knife from her with a "Th-Th-Thanks," and started to slice up the tomato. Rosalie stood just behind me, and I could feel her shifting her weight from foot to foot ever so often. It was strange that she was so fidgety. I couldn't see what she was doing and I assumed she was just pretending to watch the human cut human food.

Suddenly, Edward burst into the room. "ROSALIE! LEAVE HER ALONE!" he bellowed. I turned around to see Rosalie with a saltshaker in one hand and her mouth opened wide over where my neck was just seconds ago. She snapped up and grinned at Edward.

"I just wanted to scare her." Her teeth gleamed with the venom that coated them and her eyes were a shade darker than they were before. I shuddered and carefully backed away from her. Emmett came into the room with a torn shirt and leaves in his hair. "Emmett, wouldn't it be funny if Bella thought I was going to bite her?"

Emmett looked at me, then at her. "No, because you're scary, Rose," he said, chuckling. I nodded my head and Edward came to me and wrapped me up in his arms. "Did you try it?"

Rose laughed and pushed my shoulder playfully. "Awww, come on! I was just kidding Bella. I wouldn't eat you."

Emmett piped up, "Yeah, that's supposed to be Edward's job! Then again, it's obvious he's not doing it." Edward bared his teeth at his brother and Emmett stuck his tongue out at him. "You can't catch me _and_ leave Bella here alone. My wife'll eat her."

I wasn't sure whether I should laugh or allow my body to shiver in the small amount of fear I felt. I doubted Rosalie would _actually _bite me, but who knew what she _would_ do if the both of us were alone. That repressed shiver ran down my spine and Edward looked at me questioningly. I just shook my head and turned back to the tomato I had been slicing and away from the scary vampire who also went by the name Rosalie.

Finishing the first tomato, Edward detached himself to get me another. I didn't think we would need more than two, but there were four or five on the counter. Evil, overexcited little ball of energy. The three inhuman creatures in the room surrounded me to watch as I sliced into the tomato, successfully spraying all four of us as juice shot from the incision.

"What the…" Rosalie began as she wiped the juice from her face. As her hand swiped away at the clear liquid, she suddenly shrieked. Edward chuckled from my left while Rosalie became frantic on my right. She turned to me and pointed a manicured finger in my face. "You got tomato juice in my hair!"

"Sorry," I apologized quietly. She was even scarier now than before, and she wasn't even threatening to bite me…yet.

"You…you…Urgh!" She couldn't even form a coherent sentence at the moment because she was so angry. I looked at her hair and noticed the two areas where there was tomato juice were very, very small.

"I didn't mean to, Rosalie. It's not difficult to wash out," I offered.

"Washing it out? No, that's more than easy. However, getting my hair to look like this? That'll take me…fifteen minutes!"

I giggled, which, by the way, was a terrible idea. "Come on, Rosalie, its only fifteen minutes. You've got what? An eternity? I think you can spare fifteen minutes of your time to fix your hair."

Emmett laughed as his wife's face crumpled and she glared. If it could, her face would have probably turned tomato red from the anger. "Come on, Rosie, I'll help you with your hair…and whatever else you need."

She didn't stop glaring as she spat, "Fine." Emmett took her hand and dragged her, literally, from the room. She grabbed onto the doorway and turned to me one last time. "This isn't over, _Swan_." Emmett tugged harder and a piece of the doorframe the size of her hand broke off as she disappeared behind the wall.

"What crawled up her butt and died?" Alice asked as she skipped back in with Jasper in tow.

"A tomato," I answered before I returned to slicing the vegetables.

"So what did you bring?" I finished another tomato and leaned back against the kitchen island, watching Alice take things out of grocery bags.

"Well, I got the bread and the pasta." She picked up four different boxes of noodles. "I didn't know if you wanted macaroni or spaghetti or lasagna or these really cute little star shaped thingies, so I just got them all and you can choose." She put the boxes down and picked up just as many loaves of bread, juggling them for my amusement. "And I got these. I didn't know if you'd want Italian bread, since it's an Italian dinner, or wheat, since that's healthy, or white, because that's the kind you usually eat, or this really good looking garlic and herb thing. Jasper said it smelled like ass, but I thought you might think it smelled pleasant." She shoved it under my nose and I got a deep whiff. I think some of the herbs when up my nose because I sneezed out. Luckily, Alice pulled the bread away before I sneezed on it.

"It smells good, I guess. I want that." Alice grinned and pulled the loaf out of the package.

"Jasper, do me a favor and cut this for me." She handed him the knife I was cutting tomato with and patted his arm. Jasper made a face and Alice held up a finger. "No complaining. I know what it smells like. No, I won't change my mind. No, not even if you do that little tongue thing."

Edward and I shuddered at the reference to Jasper's tongue thing. Alice turned to me. "So you want lasagna, right?" She didn't even let me fully process the question before she chirped, "Of course you do."

Edward laughed and kissed my shoulder. "Sorry, Bella. I told you to say no."

I shrugged as Alice put a glass plate in front of me. "Okay, here's the sauce, here's the lasagna noodles, and here's the cheese. I think you just layer it."

I rolled my eyes. "Believe it or not, Alice, I know how to cook. I'm actually very good at making lasagna and I'm sure I know how to 'layer it'." Edward laughed quietly behind me and Alice stuck her tongue out at me.

"Whatever. Just do it. I'll be right back." She was out of the kitchen in a flash.

I looked up at Edward. "Your sister is crazy."

Jasper laughed from across the kitchen. "Like a fox." Alice came running back into the room, fully decked out in a white chef's suit, complete with hat and utility belt that held a spatula and a knife. Jasper groaned. "Alice…"

She just smiled and came to my side. "Umm, you haven't started what I told you, yet."

I sighed and started working as Edward hummed besides me while Alice went to work doing… whatever Alice does.

Edward made a face when I spread some of the sauce out and I laughed. I got some on the tip of my finger and held it out to him. "Human food… Mmmm."

He stuck out his tongue. "That's disgusting, Bella." I wiggled my finger and he was about to turn away when I landed some of the sauce on his lower lip. He groaned and stuck it out. "Groth! Nakin!" He couldn't talk with his lip held out that far and I burst into giggles. I leaned up and kissed the sauce off his mouth.

He kissed me back with more gusto than I thought was okay for cooking with his family on a Sunday afternoon. He grabbed my hips and gently picked me up, setting me on the counter so we were at the same height. His hands explored my sides while he parted my lips with his tongue and forced entry. He pulled away just as suddenly as he started, and it looked physically painful.

"Jasper, damn it! Quit with the damn emotion manipulation!" I was gasping for air as Edward shouted at his brother. I felt a blush steal my cheeks and I groaned in embarrassment.

"Uh, dude, I didn't do that. It was all you," Jasper smirked. I burst into a fit of giggles and I didn't even know why. "That, on the other hand, is all me."

My body felt all tingly, like every inch of me was being tickled. "Stop it, Jas-per! I don't like feeling all…all…all…giddy!" I couldn't stop giggling an Edward chuckled as he watched me squirm on the counter top. Suddenly it stopped and I sighed. "Jeez, now I know how Alice feels all day."

"Yup, but I don't need Jasper to help me feel that way," Alice answered as she straightened the hat on her head, which kept slumping over to the side.

"Yeah you do," Emmett said from behind me and I jumped, not having realized he'd entered the kitchen through the other door.

"Stupid, sneaky, big bear of a vampire," I muttered, causing everyone else to laugh. Big hands grabbed my waist and helped me to the floor.

"Wouldn't want the little clumsy human girl falling on her bum now would we?" Emmett asked with a smile. I stuck my tongue out at him. "Careful or Eddie here will have to do something with that tongue of yours."

I pulled my tongue back into my mouth as I scooped up a handful of sauce and flung it at Emmett, getting him square in the face. He didn't know what hit him, having been looking at Edward at the moment.

"What the… FOOD FIGHT!" he exclaimed.

"NO!" everyone shouted as Jasper and Edward lunged at him before he could even manage to pick up the cheese. Alice was laughing on the other side of the kitchen and I looked at her curiously.

"Care to share with the class Alice?" I asked. "Like maybe why you didn't see that coming?"

"Oh, I did see that coming," she answered with a smirk.

"And you said nothing because…" Jasper prompted.

"Two reasons. One: I wanted to see Jasper and Edward tackle Emmett, because as you can see, that's just plain funny." I looked over at the three of them on the ground, and sure enough, it was funny as Edward and Jasper pinned him whilst they tried to retrieve the cheese from the hand he held above his head. "And two, because if they didn't stop him, it would have been just as funny to see him get in trouble with Esme for messing up her kitchen."

I walked over to her and held up my hand for a high five. "I like the way your mind works."

She giggled and tapped my hand with hers. "My mind works in ways you'd never understand." Suddenly, my face was covered in white goop.

I didn't know what possessed me to do so, but I licked some of it from around my mouth. I was thankful when it was white chocolate as opposed to some foreign…goop. "What's this for?" I asked.

"Desert," she answered.

"Which would be…"

"Patience is a virtue my dear," Alice sang.

"And we all know how patient you are, Bella," Emmett commented as he stood up from the ground. He grabbed a hand towel from the counter and wiped his face while Edward handed me another.

"Thanks." I wiped the chocolate off of my face, knowing that I needed to use some water too, but not really caring at the second.

Something blurred through the room and then, right in front of me, Rosalie appeared. She began whispering something in Alice's ear and Alice listened intently. I looked to Edward and he was scowling at them before he suddenly laughed. Did I even want to know?

Edward grabbed my waist and pulled me back to the lasagna. "No. Just let her finish her food. She's hungry." He left me for a few seconds, and then came back with a damp washcloth. He wiped the chocolate off my face and then kissed my forehead. "Perfect, as always."

Emmett made retching noises and I threw a few things of cheese at him.

Everything else happened in such a flurry that I'm surprised I caught it all.

Emmett took the throwing of cheese as an invitation to re-initiate the food fight. Edward read his mind a half a second before he could act and he pushed me away while trying to jump over the island to get to his big brother. Emmett already had the rest of the jar of sauce in his hand and was getting ready to let it rip when Edward rammed into his side. I saw the jar of the lid go from its target (me) to a war zone (Rosalie.) Red sauce flew through the air in perfect round globs. Rosalie let out such an unearthly scream as the sauce landed all over her perfect hair and blue shirt that I had to cover my ears.

"THIS IS MY NEW DOLCE & GABBANA SHIRT! THEY AREN'T EVEN SELLING THESE IN AMERICA YET!" Alice gasped at the proclamation and I looked back and forth between the two of them. Finally, my eyes settled on Rosalie. There was a huge glomp of sauce seeping into her just washed hair and little spatters all over her face. Across her shirt was the biggest stain, going from her left shoulder all the way down to her right hip.

The silence in the kitchen was shattered when the human girl let a giggle burst through her lips.

Rosalie's black eyes locked on me, right on my jugular, just as Alice shouted "NO!" She lunged for me at the same time as Edward and Alice.

I felt stone slam into me and encase me in two strong arms, then I hit the floor and the body was removed. I immediately felt something seeping through my clothes and I opened my eyes to see red all over my shoulder and front, starting at my neck. I gasped. _Aw Hell!! Oh God! She bit me!_ I waited to feel the fire engulfing my body. _At least now I don't have to attend my wedding._

Alice fell to her knees besides me and I could hear her sobbing. _Aw Hell. Wait, why doesn't it hurt?_ I looked back down at my shoulder and noticed I couldn't smell blood, either. I sat up and touched my shoulder, bringing the red to my lips.

_Oh thank you thank you thank you. _

It was sauce. I turned to Alice and she looked up at me, pointing a finger at me.

"Y-y-your shirt. You actually wore something I got you and now it's ruined!"

From the time Rosalie jumped me to Alice's last remark was no more than a minute.

Edward helped me up from where I lay on the ground and I just looked down at my shirt, smirking. "One down, a billion more to go."

All the guys chuckled at my comment and Edward kissed me on the forehead, careful not to let his chest touch mine at the risk of sauce covering his shirt. I especially liked his shirt today, a tight black t-shirt. His skin screamed 'touch me, I sparkle in the sunlight' and it took everything in me to resist its call.

I pulled off the light sweater that Alice had put me in and the chuckling turned into a loud gasp. I smirked at them. "What? I still have a tank top underneath," I teased.

Edward leaned down and whispered, "If you do something like that again, you won't be wearing a tank top for much longer."

I felt my cheeks turn red. "Jasper…" I warned, glaring at the culprit.

He held his hands up in defense. "Don't look at me. I'm not the one making your fiancé horny."

"Edward, you wouldn't be such a horny vampire if you weren't so sexually repressed you know," Emmett added.

"Emmett, you're always a horny vampire and I'm pretty sure that you aren't sexually repressed," Edward responded.

"Better horny and sexually active than horny and sexually frustrated," Emmett sang.

"Emmett…" Edward warned.

"Better a man than a virgin," Emmett continued. Edward growled and crouched down, prepared to attack.

Emmett copied his stance and I sighed. "And so the lion challenged the grizzly bear."

"Rawr," Edward said, directing it at me. Big mistake.

Emmett took the moment to his advantage and hurtled towards Edward. Edward caught onto him before their bodies could collide and grabbed him in his arms, then spun around so he was straddling Emmett on the kitchen floor and holding his arms above his head.

I moved over towards Alice and dipped a finger in the chocolate, watching my fiancé take the bull by the horns.

"You wouldn't," Edward growled. Emmett laughed and nodded.

"Oh, I would." Emmett smiled, his teeth shiny with the extra venom. Just then, he started thrusting his hips up and throwing his head back, moaning, "Oh Edward!" I choked on the chocolate in my mouth and everyone in the kitchen burst into extravagant laughter, with the exception of Emmett, who was still moaning his brother's name is faux ecstasy, and Edward, who had jumped off of Emmett as quickly as possible and was scowling as he wiped his hands on his pants.

I sat down on the floor because I was laughing so hard. Emmett crawled up next to me, joining in on my laughter. "See, Human thought it was funny."

Edward glared at his brother. Rosalie just had to add her two cents with, "I think she's crying because you molested Edward before she could."

Jasper held up a hand in my direction. "No, it's definitely all merriment. And a little sexual frustration mixed in there."

Alice sighed and opened up the fridge. "Why we can never do anything as a family without sex coming up, I don't know. Here you are, Bella. I knew we weren't going to be able to do this right." She pulled out a package of my favorite Pop Tarts from the freezer and handed them to me.

Edward came to me and picked me up, bridal style. "Thank you, Alice!" I yelled as Edward whisked us up to his room.

"Never again, Bella. Never again." He sighed as he locked the door behind us, set me down on the bed, picked up his dresser, and put it in front of the door. I fell back on the bed, opening my package and tearing a bite off with my teeth.

"No, Edward, never again, because in about a week, I'll be a vampire and we'll never have to worry about this again." I chewed my food slowly and he came to lay with me, nuzzling my shoulder.

"Right." He started placing little kisses along my almost bare shoulder and to my neck. I forgot about food as his tongue flicked out against my skin.

"HEY EVERYONE! LITTLE EDDIE MIGHT GET A WORK OUT TONIGHT!"

Edward was gone in a flash, his dresser suddenly on the other side of the room by his window-wall. "I'M GOING TO TEAR YOU UP INTO PIECES, EMMETT!"

I sighed and fell back against the bed, eating my fancy Pop Tarts. "And I can't wait to help you one day."


	4. It's The Oreos

**a/n: we're back and we're beautiful...me and Andie that is... We did our thing and we've got another update for you! :) Hope you like it because this one's been brewing in my mind for a long while...**

_**It's The Oreos...  
**__By Adidasgrl328 & sillyemmett_

**JACOB'S POV**

"Seth… What are you doing?" I asked without moving, curious as to why he was lurking behind me with his teeth at my neck while I attempted to have an Oreo licking contest with Quil and Embry.

"Pretending to be Edward," he replied, leaning against the counter next to me and stealing the un-licked half of my Oreo out of my hand before dunking it in the milk and eating it.

I glowered at him while I took another Oreo from the bag and separated the two halves. "We all know you're in love with the leech, Seth, but pretending to be him is just weird."

Quil and Embry laughed. "Oh puh-lease. I'm just playing around. Let's see you guys pretend to be one of the Cullens."

I smirked and tipped Embry's glass of milk, spilling it into his lap and all over the counter. "What was _that?!_" he cried as he shot up from his seat and looked at his shorts. I chuckled. He looked like he pissed his pants.

"What?" I asked innocently. "I was pretending to be Bella."

Seth and Quil snorted before popping another Oreo into each of their mouths. Good thing we had three more bags or we'd be out of Oreos before we were through with having our fun.

"Fine, if that's the way you wanna play it," Embry answered before he stood up and got an apple from the bowl that was so nicely displayed on the counter. He came over to me and grinned before he held it over my head and squeezed the fruit. Juice poured out into my long hair as he crushed the fruit into seeds and a red skin.

"Who was that supposed to be?" I asked as I attempted to punch him in the stomach.

He easily dodged my attack, probably expecting it. "Emmett."

"Since when does Emmett crush apples into apple juice onto people's heads?"

He thought for a moment. "I don't know, but he always enjoys covering people in food…"

I rolled my eyes, "Vampires don't eat, stupid."

Embry stuck his middle finger out to me. "Shut up, _Beta_."

I gave him two birds as while Quil stood up, walking over to the toaster. He flipped the metal box onto his side and stared down at it. He ran his hands through his hair a few times, and I thought he looked a little confused.

"Uhhh, Quil? What the hell are you doing?" Seth asked, coming up to him and pushing his shoulder a little.

"Don't touch me! I'm looking at myself!"

"Definitely Blondie," I guessed.

"My turn again," Seth declared and we looked at him, waiting for him to start. His lips were set in a straight line as he stared straight ahead and I could have sworn he was about to burst a blood vessel.

"We're waiting," Embry said, tapping his fingers on the counter.

"I'm doing it," Seth replied.

"Doing what?" Quil asked.

"Your mom," was the reply.

Then it came to me. "I know! You're Jasper, the one that always looks like he's in pain."

"Gold star for Jake," Seth answered, taking yet another Oreo from the bag.

"Okay, I guess that mean's it's my turn again." I pursed my lips while I thought. "Let's see…"

"I know! It's Dr. Cullen!" Quil shouted excitedly.

I pinched the bridge of my nose as I leaned forward, resting my elbow on the counter. "I wasn't doing anything yet, moron."

"Well, now you're doing Edward," Quil said.

"Your mom's doing Edward," Seth retorted.

"Would you quit it with the 'your mom' shots already?" I asked, exasperated.

"Fine, fine. Just do an impersonation already."

The idea flashed into my head then. This game was starting to be a little fun. "Ohmigodohmigodohmigod, SETH! ThoseShortsTotallyDon'tMatchThoseShoesAndThatHairStyleIsSOOOOOOOLastSeason!"

"Could that be anymore obvious?" Embry asked.

"I don't know. Could it?"

"Alice, no doubt."

"Yeah, your turn now."

He didn't even hesitate before he started rushing around the room, messing with my hair, fixing Quil's t-shirt, and pouring Seth another glass of milk. He was fussing over all of us and I just thought he'd popped his cork when Seth shouted, "Esme!"

Made sense, I guess. Yeah, this game was getting to be really fun.

Quil started dancing around the room like a ballerina singing:

_I feel pretty,  
Oh, so pretty,  
I feel pretty and witty and bright!  
And I pity  
Any girl who isn't me tonight._

_I feel charming,  
Oh, so charming  
It's alarming how charming I feel!  
And so pretty  
That I hardly can believe I'm real._

_See the pretty girl in that mirror there:  
Who can that attractive girl be?  
Such a pretty face,  
Such a pretty dress,  
Such a pretty smile,  
Such a pretty me!_

_I feel stunning  
And entrancing,  
Feel like running and dancing for joy,  
For I'm loved  
By a pretty wonderful boy!_

We didn't stop him, and when Leah stood in the doorway to the kitchen, he didn't even notice. She just let it run its course. When he finally stopped, she spoke up. "I didn't know you were a flaming homosexual, Quil."

Seth smirked. "So you're Edward…"


End file.
